Every day in the news you hear about terrible crimes that have been committed.  I often wonder how people get to that place in their lives where unspeakable acts don’t even phase them.  I just can’t understand unethical and illegal behavior, it’s not in my nature.  Ok, I’ll admit I do fantasize about hurling pennies at drivers that cut me off and I would really like to try tasering someone, but other than that I extremely ethical.  Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means saying I’m an angel.  I admit that I am an honorary card carrying member of the royal bitch society but I am as honest as the day is long.    Sometimes I imagine what life would be like if I had chosen a different path in my youth.  It’s sort of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz deciding which yellow brick road to follow.

I remember starting down a crooked path in Junior High with a friend who shall remain nameless, mostly because I don’t remember who it was.  It was an eerily quiet cloudy day, the kind of day you get a chill deep down into your bones that you just can’t shake.  Actually, I have no idea what the weather was like that day but that really did set the scene didn’t it?  We were in the 5 & 10 and my friend was going to steal some candy and encouraged me to do the same.  I took a piece of Bazooka gum, stuck it up into the sleeve of my navy blue Baracuta jacket and went to purchase another piece.  When I was about to pay, the gum slid down out of the sleeve of my very stylish jacket and onto the counter.  Thankfully playing dumb comes easy to me and I purchased that piece as well.   That brush with the dark side scared me straight.

What if I hadn’t been caught, would I have continued down that crooked path of crime.  One day Bazooka gum, the next day stealing the elderly’s wheel chairs.  Just like that, you snap your fingers and you are living the thug life.  I just shuddered at that thought because I am pretty sure Vineyard Vines clothing would not be acceptable attire while living the thug life.  How sad for them.  You would think that in itself would scare them straight never mind the threat of going to jail.

I will say that if I ever am to commit a crime, it is going to be good.  For example, how cool would it be to hijack a Hostess truck?  Right?  Think about it, being chased down the highway like OJ with helicopters hovering above capturing all of it on film.  Yelling “you won’t take me alive with an empty stomach copper” while you hurl Suzy Q’s at them, because who really wants those anyway.  Or maybe throw the snowflake marshmallow puffy things because we all know no one in their right mind eats those.  Of course at the end of it all I would pay for any damage and any product used because I’m as honest as the day is long.