As Americans, we all know that the President is the person we should look to for guidance, information, and to be our role model.  While many of us have been so focused on how negative his behavior has been, because I’m an eternal optimist (insert snorting sound here), I am looking at his behavior in a positive light.  A whole new world has been opened for us and most people haven’t even noticed.   My dear friends, if our commander-in-chief is leading our country with “alternative facts” then we as his humble servants should be living by his example.  Think about how exciting this is, every time we are told something we don’t like we just have to say “fake news” or “alternative facts”.  We don’t have to have any proof, nothing, just “fake news” and done.  Even if proof is showed to us, we no longer have to accept it, it’s kind of like an adult version of putting your fingers in your ears and saying “lalala, I can’t hear you”.

I think I might try this at my next physical exam when the doctor tells me my weight is 467 pounds.  I’ll just say I prefer to use my alternative facts of 110 pounds.  When she looks at me confused and shows me the scale, I’ll just insist it’s fake news and that the scale must have been made in China.  Boom.  How’s that for Making American Great Again?  It sure as hell is!  Then when you are speeding home with a donut in one hand because you’re so happy that you now only weigh 110 pounds without dieting, you don’t even need to worry about getting a ticket.  If you get pulled over for driving 45 in a 20 mile per hour zone, “Sorry officer but my alternative facts show that I was only going 22 miles per hour.  Have a nice day!”  You don’t even have to worry about being arrested because when you give your plea they have to let you go.  “Mrs. Morrison are you telling us you have no proof to back up your claims?”, “Yes, Your Honor that is correct, I’m using alternative facts as my defense”, “Well, ok then, you are free to go”.  I’m telling you, this is bigly.

Bad performance review at work, fake news.  When your bills come just mail in your alternative facts amount.  What are they going to do take you to court?  We already established a plea of alternative facts without any proof shall set you free.  If you are supposed to work until 5:00, now you can leave at 3:00.  Credit score problems?  Not anymore!  Can’t afford something in a store?  Oh yes you can, just give them your alternative facts amount and you will be on your way with your new Burberry bag that only cost you $20.50.  America truly is the land of opportunity.