Have you ever seen the commercials where people wake up smiling?  The sun is shining, birds are chirping, and the people sit up stretching, happy and refreshed.  They look over at their also perfectly rested spouse and say “morning honey”.  Does anyone actually wake up like this or am I the only one that falls out of bed with drool stuck to my cheek in a partial coma that replaces “honey” with a variety of other colorful words.  If it is just me then maybe I should buy that bed, pillow, coffee or whatever it is that makes these beautiful people on television so rested and chipper.  I have this feeling that the only product that would assist me with resting is a partial, or full, lobotomy.  If I ever see a commercial for that I am going to make sure I am one of the first 50 callers when that 800 number pops up.  Maybe I’ll even get a free potato peeler with lobotomy purchase.  I’ll no longer be able to use it but still, free is free.

These might be some of those people I’ve heard about that fall asleep soundly and dream of butterflies and unicorns and wake up ready to concur the day.  Oh how I hate those people.  Not people who have had lobotomies, I think it would be wrong to hate them.  I mean the well-rested people who don’t need brain surgery.  I don’t think I have ever, or will ever be rested.  I’ve pretty much come to accept that fact.  As long as my brain is in pre-lobotomy standing then it is not going to happen.   My mind is always racing, I mean crazy racing like faster than an Indy 500 car.  I would be thrilled if I could at least get my mind to obsess about one topic at a time but instead the topics overlap, and fast.  You know those torture methods where a person’s eyes would be taped open and they were forced to watch a screen with multiple objects flashing at a rapid rate while really loud music was playing?  That’s my brain at night.

I wouldn’t mind so much if my brain was trying to figure out something of importance like how to solve world hunger or make fuel from urine.  Unfortunately, that is not the case for my brain.  Today at 4:00am I was thinking about my new puppy, business inventory at my house, which inventory I should bring to my shop, what I should take out of my shop, how I should arrange what is in my shop, how I need to start exercising, my back pain, how my back pain is going to prevent me from exercising, why the dog is on my head, what I should make the kids for lunch, what to cook for dinner, whether or not I should go to an estate sale today, my allergies, laundry, vacuuming, how best to advertise my business, how my clothes don’t fit, money, doing our taxes, ways to organize my office, how I’m not sleeping, that I really should sleep, that I need sleep, the people on the commercials that look rested, how I hate those people, and that I should just get up, drink coffee and write a blog.  Ta da!

Can you imagine if a doctor ever got a hold of me?  They would spend 5 minutes with me and dollar signs would pop up in their eyes while they thought “I’m going to get rich over this nut job”.  Their findings would become world known and written about in every medical journal.   I can see myself in a glass box with electrodes attached to my head while medical students walk around the box looking at the screen showing my brain waves and furiously taking notes.  Either that or I would end up in a mental hospital which also doesn’t sound that appealing.  Unless I was sedated and got to stay in bed all day.  Hmmm.  I need to go make a phone call.

I am finding that the level of incompetence I run into on a daily basis seems to be growing at an exponential rate.  The largest problem I am facing with this is that I have no patience for incompetence.  None.  No poker face, no fake smile, none.  Some companies must be so desperate for employees these days that they must hire anyone that has a pulse.  I’ve even had instances where I questioned whether or not some people even had a pulse.  You know that look you get when you ask someone a question that they really don’t know the answer to?  It’s kind of a cross between a deer in headlights and the look people get in movies when they realize they have just been stabbed.  I could understand that look if I walked into a Dunkin Donuts and asked someone what the square root of 4,307 was, but this is in response to simple questions, questions about what they actually have and sell in their establishment.  I know I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed but I at least know what I do for work.  I’m referring to instances where an employee would have known the answer to my questions if they just spent a few minutes familiarizing themselves with the products and services their company provides.  I swear some people must just stop into a store to use the bathroom and when they come out they are wearing a name tag and enrolled in a 401k plan.

A number of years ago, right after I graduated from college I applied for a part-time job at Filene’s Basement.  Mind you, I had a college degree and a full-time job at a publishing company.  I was turned down for the job because I wasn’t qualified.  I’m not really sure what qualifications are needed to put pants on hangers but apparently I did not possess those skills.  It appears that some companies have become quite lax when it comes to qualifications.  I’ve asked a waitress a question about an item on a menu and they have turned the menu so they can see it and read me exactly what was written.  I guess they must have assumed I wasn’t familiar with how to use a menu or I just looked like someone who doesn’t know how to read.  How about taking the menu home and reading it yourself before you start taking orders from customers.  There have been times I could have been at an Italian restaurant and ordered a chimichanga and the waitress/waiter would have spent 10 minutes at the computer trying to find the chimichanga button between cannoli and clams.  “Does anyone know where the chimichanga button is?”, yeah at a Mexican restaurant.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with my pharmacy asking some questions about a medication, simple questions about cost nothing about chemical makeup of the drug itself and I was put on hold 6 times and still given the wrong information.  This person had no clue.  Why do they let him answer the phone?   This is what you do for a living, how can you not answer these simple questions?  The worst part is that these people will tend to give you wrong information instead of taking the time to find out the answer you are seeking.  Which is exactly what I received on this phone call.  Here’s another perfect example.  I received a new debit card in the mail and when I called to activate the card I was unable to because my bank had entered a random date of birth in my account.  When I called the bank to ask them to correct the problem, I was told all changes of birth dates needed to be done in the actual bank. Really?  Are people changing their date of birth often?  I somewhat politely explained that my date of birth had not changed and it wasn’t that I thought June 23rd seemed more fun that October 7th, it was that the bank had made an error and that they needed to fix it.  It was fixed over the phone.

What is going on these days?  Is it laziness?  Are companies so desperate for employees that they will just take anyone?  I know that people no longer have the pride they used to in their job but come on.  I tried to buy a coffee at a fast food drive thru recently and asked for milk instead of cream.  They honestly didn’t know how to handle this, they told me everyone just gets cream.  That’s nice but I want milk.  Two people had to talk about what to do.  I was then told that I would have to buy a milk to put in my own coffee.  Really?  No.  Open the damn milk and pour some in my coffee.  How hard is that?  I’m sure my obvious lack of patience probably got me something else put in my coffee as well but I’m trying not to think about that.