Back to school is always a very sad time for me as I really do enjoy having my children around as much as possible.  This doesn’t appear to be the norm, however. The first time I realized I was in the minority was at a Back To School Coffee at my children’s elementary school.  I was dressed in black (as I always do starting in early August when I slip into “back to school” mourning, thankfully it’s thinning), with a box of tissues in my hand choking on my own mucus when I noticed 12 empty Bailey’s bottles behind the Box of Joe on the table.  Once I was able to get my sobbing to a minimum, I felt like I was at an 80’s wedding with Celebration by Kool & The Gang playing on repeat over the Cafeteria speakers.

On the first day of school many parents won’t even stop the car to drop their children off.  They literally spend the last three weeks of summer teaching their children the drop and roll technique from a moving vehicle.  I, on the other hand, am that mom that’s clutching onto my child’s leg saying “please don’t go, mommy loves you”.  I even go so far as to put my picture in my child’s lunchbox, binder and underwear so they are always thinking of me.  I’ll admit, the underwear photo seems a little extreme, I’m working through this one with my therapist.

My youngest is going into Middle School this year and it’s really hard for me to come to terms with.  My sweet, little, freckle faced boy that still voluntarily holds my hand in public.  The wire ties have nothing to do with it, we just prefer it that way so stop judging.  If I had an intelligence level above the Second Grade I would probably have tried to home school my children.  Sadly, in our case it would be a reverse home schooling where my children are teaching me.  Seriously, whenever my 15 year old daughter asks “Mom, did you know…?”, I don’t even have to hear the question, the answer is always “No” unless of course the question will ever be “How to get your boyfriend out of Math class so you can walk the halls together?”  Then it’s a Yes!  For now I just hope my children’s classes are on the first floor so I don’t have a repeat falling incident like in 2010.

Isn’t it amazing how one little thing like your children going back to school can cause so much stress in your life.  You know it’s coming and have plenty of time to buy school supplies, but you don’t. I am one of those people who leaves all the “back to school” stuff until the very last minute and then when I actually decide to go shopping there is nothing left except folders with kittens on them and the cheap pencils that aren’t even Number 2 pencils.  I walked across the Target parking lot happy and smiling and it was like I walked through a force field upon entering the store.  All of a sudden I was twitching and talking to myself.  I even have a vague recollection of bumming a cigarette off of someone and I don’t even smoke.  It wasn’t until I was showed the video footage from the store security guard that I realized I had a full on panic attack when I was told there weren’t any Chromebooks in stock.  The police report states I took someone hostage in the candy aisle but we all know you can’t believe everything you read. However, the shopping experience is definitely high on the list of moments I am not proud of but I will say that I paid for all the alcohol and Ring Dings I consumed in the store.

My children, the little darlings that they are, took full advantage of the situation.  Once they saw me loading Velveeta Family Size Shells N Cheese and Frosted Animal Crackers into the carriage (this actually happened) and was mumbling with Doritos cheese on my face, they started asking for everything.  I was in this weird coma like trance and said yes to anything that was asked of me because I didn’t want to think about whether or not we needed it.  I’m pretty sure we walked out of the store with a 50″ plasma television and an Xbox along with the cheap pencils and page protectors.  “Mom, can I get….”, “Yes, just put it in the carriage and stop asking me questions!”

It really got out of control upon entering the sporting goods store next door.  We had one thing to get, one purpose, basketball sneakers.  Seemed easy enough until there were choices and sizes being out of stock.  Next thing I know I am buying multiple pairs of un-needed sneakers and equipment for sports that aren’t even this season.  I think I have a car full of brand new hockey gear and neither of my children play hockey.  I have no idea what I bought but the person behind me in line said thank you to me.  You’re welcome?  Maybe someday I’ll learn and actually plan ahead, it will save me a lot of time and money on lawyer fees.