This morning I was reading the Huffington Post on-line and happened upon a story that not only made me do a double take, but I actually said “are you freaking kidding me” out loud.  Someone had not only done a study on pubic hair grooming but actually got it published on-line and felt it was newsworthy.  How can this possibly be considered research by someone?   Just when you think you have seen it all you realize that someone got paid to ask women about their pubic hair.  Not only that, but they must somehow consider themselves an expert in the field.  What qualifies someone as an expert in that field?  Do they go to school for it?  Do they hold a PHD from the Beaver Academy?

While I was shaking my head reading all of the statistics of how many whites and non-whites groomed, the part that really got me was that examples had to be given of not only how one might groom, but of what type of injury you may incur while self grooming.  Really?  First off, if you can’t figure out how to groom hair on your own, you may in fact be brain-dead and should see someone about that soon.  Also, do the specific types of injuries that you might incur have to be listed?  Did someone really think gunshot wounds and paper cuts might be on that list?  This article clarified so many things for me, thankfully because I may have tried using a potato peeler.  Phew, saved myself some embarrassment at the hospital with that one.

They also found it necessary to poll women’s ages to determine that younger women were more likely to groom themselves than older women.  Shocking, I would have guessed the 85-100 year olds would have been the highest grooming group.  It’s all the rage at nursing homes when it isn’t Bridge night.  The study also went on to list the top reasons why women groom.  I’ll save you the suspense, because there wasn’t anything on television was not one of the reasons.  Again, shocking.

I now realize there is a world of opportunity waiting for me that I never even dreamed of.  I can now add Researcher to my resume along side Blogger.  I can stand in front of Walmart with a clipboard and start asking people anything I want as long as Researcher follows my name on my laminated business card (remember, anything laminated is serious) and get my study published.  Let’s see, what shall I study?  Bellybutton lint, bum wiping strategies, there are so many topics just as ridiculous to study that I foresee a very busy future.

Happy Fourth of July!  Independence Day, the birth of our country, the day The United States of America was no longer a part of the British Empire.  A day celebrated by all Americans with cookouts, fireworks, parades, and the wearing of red white and blue attire.  One thing you don’t see on this day of freedom is a thank you to those that helped us become a free nation, those that fought in the American Revolution.  We really should incorporate a thank you into this day, don’t you think?  Since it is highly unlikely that any of those Patriots are still alive, how about thanking the ancestors of those brave men and women.  Hey, what a coincidence, that would be me!  What do you know?

Even though I am normally quite humble (insert laughter here) I will step up and take credit for my English ancestors that came to America with the hopes of creating a new nation.  Someone has to do it, right?  I mean come on, the name passed all the way down to me, that has to be worth something.  I think us “pure bloods” need to have papers or a laminated card (laminated anything means business) showing that we are ancestors of our founding fathers and deserve at least a free ice cream on this day.  Shouldn’t we be seeing signs on restaurants “Free Meal to Ancestors”  or “Free Car Wash to Ancestors”, maybe “Free Big Gulp at the 7 Eleven”, something to give a little credit to those that fought for us.

Maybe we could have an ancestor’s group that helps in the decision-making process of the country.  A panel that sits and decides which new citizens are allowed into the country.  I’m sorry sir, you are wearing socks with sandals, try Canada.   Ma’am, even though you seem like a very nice woman, we just don’t wear white before Memorial Day in this country.  You can follow that gentleman to Canada.  Next.  Sir, you are going to have to wait a few minutes, I need to run out and grab my free Big Gulp, I suggest you get a haircut before I return.  I’m going to get a petition started and try to get this up and running before next year.  In the meantime, you’re welcome.