Yesterday, I received a letter in the mail stating that I am being countersued for something and will in fact need to go to court. I am completely in the right but it isn’t going to matter if I am asked to testify. Not because I am unable to speak intelligently, but because I have this little problem of feeling the need to confess to things I didn’t do. I don’t know why, but I get very nervous around people in uniforms, or in this case it would be a judge, and can only imagine what I will blurt out. “Mrs. Morrison could you tell us your side of the story please”, my response “Yes I ordered the code red!” Then I would be taken out in handcuffs just like that time at jury duty.

The most flummoxing (great word) part about this little issue I have is that I grew up with a grandfather and uncle who were police officers. Yet, if you were to leave me in a police station for an hour I would confess to 90% of the unsolved crimes. The police would all be high fiving each other, “Looks like we’re going home early today Clancy.”  “Funny she doesn’t look like the 4 foot tall black man in the security video but she said she did it, so she must have.”  I am a volunteer for an organization that needs a police escort to the bank once a year and I break out into a cold sweat even at the thought of them taking me. Last year a very nice police officer asked me “Are you ready to go to the bank Miss?” my response “I have drugs in my underwear and I killed a man”. It’s not easy to come back from a statement like that, trust me, I know all too well.

A few years ago we had an issue with a portable space heater and my husband yelled to me to call the fire department. I froze. My fingers clutching the phone, 9… 1… come on Stephanie, just one more number, you can do it. It’s ok, breathe, you didn’t do anything wrong, they are here to help you, they are your friend. Ok, here I go… 1, “Hello 911 what’s your emergency?” “I just lit my 627^th fire because I’m a pyromaniac and I am the cause for the great Chelsea fire despite not even being born.” Crap.