Today, after hormones caused my daughter and I to go at each other like junk yard dogs fighting over a bone, which then resulted in tears, I thought to myself – it’s finally happened. Pheromones, or as they should be called, fear the mones. Pheromones by definition are unconscious chemical signals that influence behavior and physiology among humans. In other words, a payback to all men for any wrong doing they have ever done, aka – hell on earth. It’s a debated topic as to whether or not pheromones will in fact cause women who live together to become on the same monthly cycle. Personally, I think it’s true. I remember those days fondly as my mother and I would think of ways to dispose of my father’s body. Good memories really do make you smile, no matter how long it has been.

I don’t often get that hormonal but when I do, buckle up because you are in for a bumpy ride. So, not only does my ever happy husband have to deal with me telling him I will kill him if he sneezes one more time, now he has two of me to deal with.  Better him than me! Men don’t seem to understand that when we actually get to a breaking point and ask “Do you have to breathe that loud?” we are not feeling very in control. Just know it’s not fun for us either, trust me. I don’t like having thoughts about how if I have to listen to you chew one more bite of that food that I will stick my fork in your throat.  I am too pretty for prison and I don’t care what people say, orange is not the new black and don’t even get me going about horizontal stripes.

Women on the same monthly cycle are probably one of the scariest things imaginable. I’m not sure why a horror movie has never been made on that subject. Can you imagine? An entire town filled with hormonal women? It would make the Exorcist look like a feel good movie. What if the government decided to make chemical weapons out of pheromones or inject women and send them into battle? Forget about nuclear war, we would make that look like a campfire weenie roast. Women would have wanted terrorists hung up by their family jewels in a matter of days. No payment required, just some salted caramels waiting for us when we return. Most importantly, no talking.