In the the movie Over The Hedge, there is a line that completely rings true in my life.  Animals eat to live but people live to eat.  My life is always about food.  I LOVE FOOD.  Let me clarify, not healthy food.  If there ever comes a day in my life where I get all excited for a carrot, please get me some help. Actually just put me out of my misery, there’s no coming back from that.  I have such an addiction to food it is really sad.  I hide food wrappers like an alcoholic hides bottles.  I’ve said it before but I am quite surprised that I don’t weigh 500 pounds.  Especially considering most days the only exercise I get is struggling to get the top off of a jar of cheese dip.

To justify my gluttonous behavior, I have made up my own little rules over the years about when there are and aren’t any calories in food.  There are never, ever any calories in mac n cheese if you eat it out of the pan with the large wooden spoon while at the stove.  That is a proven fact.  I will never get myself a bowl of the mac n cheese but I will stand and eat it out of the pan.  Once you put the food in a bowl, boom, calories.  Did you also know that if you eat off of your child’s plate there are no calories?  When they can’t finish their meal, the food Gods take out all the calories because they hate seeing food go to waste.  Another proven fact.  I should start my own diet plan, watch out Jenny Craig because my plan is way more appealing.

The other day I was standing in our pantry with the door closed wolfing down potato chips when I realized I am literally a closet eater.  I was too embarrassed for my family to see me and was trying to hide the evidence like it was a crime scene.  Now that I think about it, I was standing so there weren’t any calories so I really had nothing to be embarrassed about.  I think it’s time for me to come out of the closet.  I need to be careful telling people I’ve come out of the closet or my children might end up with two moms.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.