Childbirth is definitely a gift and I am more than thankful every second of everyday that I have been able to experience this. I am in no way, shape or form downplaying how fortunate I am to have my children. I would take any pain given to me for them and would give birth 100 times over if I had to. But, I will say that childbirth is the most unnatural thing I have ever experienced in my life. Anyone who says it’s natural, is lying. The actual making of a baby is an amazing miracle. The baby coming out, is not. That is just insane and defies physics. We all know how large a baby is and how small the tunnel is. I remember people saying how the body opens up and the baby practically falls out and all is beautiful. Bullshit. You scream, you tear and it looks like a Sigourney Weaver Alien film.

I once dated a man that told me I had birthing hips. Needless to say we broke up right after that comment and unfortunately I found out years later that he was wrong. I don’t have a very high tolerance for pain anyway, I do admit this. I’m pretty sure I asked for an epidural on my wedding day in anticipation of having a child someday. On the day I was induced to have my daughter, the second a contraction hit I was begging for pain meds. I wasn’t even dilated enough to warrant an epidural but I think the look of hatred in my eyes frightened the nurse enough to bend those rules. She knew that she would forever be looking over her shoulder if she didn’t. Smart woman.

One thing I really never anticipated in this day of modern medicine was to be told that there is nothing they can do for your pain. Are you shitting me? This was told to me after I informed them that I was pretty sure someone had just stuck a baseball bat covered in nails up my ass. Fortunate for them I was rolling on an exercise ball bare assed at the time and couldn’t swing at them. Do you think that rolling on a ball thing really helps? Or do you think maybe it’s just a little something the doctors and nurses do to entertain themselves.   Yeah, put your huge pregnant belly on a ball that we’ve put on a table and roll around with your johnny flapping in the wind. Of course it works, why else would we tell you to do it?

The best part was all the random people that walked in my room to take a peak.   I swear pizza delivery guys, Boy Scout troops, Asian tourists with cameras, just about everyone was taking a peak at my bits. Come on in, obviously I have nothing to hide. The baby isn’t coming out so you are just looking at my crotch, why??? How about you show me yours so we’re even.

After three hours of pushing the doctor strolled in to tell me that there was no way a baby was going to fit out of there. Really? Huh. That’s funny, I could have told you that and I only have my degree in sarcasm. Leave it to a man, bastard. Despite all the tearing, swearing and stitches my beautiful baby did manage to sneak out and all was well. I have never had a C-section but if it were an option, I say go for that and if you are unable to get that option, do not and I repeat, do not opt for a mirror to watch all of this because it ain’t beautiful.