As I sit home sick for the 467^th day this year, I started thinking about the plans I had to cancel this week alone and why crap like this always happens. I am always amazed at the end of a week when I see how many items have been crossed off of my calendar because something has gone wrong. Big meeting scheduled, child starts to vomit. Night out planned with friends, you start coughing up a lung. I can’t even believe how many times the dog having diarrhea has actually messed up my plans. It always happens. I find that I hardly ever say I will definitely be anywhere anymore, I always say “most likely” or “that should work” in case things change. At least some of the unforeseen events make for a good story because you just can’t make some of this stuff up.

Today as I cancelled another of my plans, I thought, oh it’s Murphy’s Law. Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. He felt that one should always assume worst case scenarios. If I didn’t know better, I would swear Murphy was a long lost relative. I am queen of the “what if’s” and always have to be prepared for everything. If he was still alive I would volunteer to be his poster child for his theory.   Every time I have something planned, something goes wrong.  This made me curious as to who the hell Murphy is and why did this asshole curse everything we try to do in our lives. Murphy, God rest his soul, is no longer with us so I don’t have to come up with a non-traceable plan to coerce him to change his law.

My own theory about Murphy is as follows. I am assuming based on the name Murphy that he was Irish. Ireland is the home of many brands of alcohol. People often turn to alcohol when confronted with stress. The more stress in people’s lives would contribute to increased alcohol sales, right? Stay with me. The higher the sales of alcohol, the richer the Irish become. Therefore, Murphy cursed us all to increase alcohol sales in his home country.

Makes sense doesn’t it? Think about it, you have a night out planned, you shaved your legs and squeezed your fat ass into your Spanx, you’re all psyched and the toilet starts overflowing. What is the first thing you think after the swearing subsides? I need a drink. See??? Murphy….Irish bastard. Well played my friend, well played.

I have the utmost respect and admiration for those that are able to take an idea and transform it into a product. I never even have ideas so this is way beyond my level of thinking. I even have difficulty using products that come with instructions not to mention creating something that doesn’t even exist. One thing I really can’t comprehend is why when we now have an easier or better way to do something would some people choose to go backwards and continue suffering as you will.

One thing I will never understand is camping unless you are running from the police or something along those lines. There was a time when sleeping and living outdoors was all that was available but then shelters were invented. If that wasn’t great enough, indoor plumbing was invented and eventually became available in all homes. So why then would anyone in their right mind want to sleep on the ground with bugs and bears? Not to mention shit in the woods. Oh, I forgot to mention the invention of toilet paper. So yeah, let’s not only get bug bites on our back side while we squat like an animal but let’s clean up shop with a leaf while we’re at it. People choose to do this for fun and yet some think I’m the one that’s nuts?

While we are on the topic of bathing in a puddle of animal urine while outdoors, another little invention that really changed lives are razors. I personally prefer a clean shaved man but neat facial hair is nice as well. We all know shaving is a pain but who wants to look at Grizzly Adams with gnats and old food crumbs stuck in a beard. Hey, are you going to eat that? Yuck. Also, is there anyone that wants to see hairy legs and armpits on a woman? Not this girl. I understand some wanting to be “natural” but there are other ways to accomplish that goal. Don’t wear makeup. Don’t paint your toenails in the summer. Go nuts. If you really don’t like shaving that’s fine but please don’t show me the nest under your arms. There is a case where I wish something hadn’t been invented, the tank top.

Childbirth is definitely a gift and I am more than thankful every second of everyday that I have been able to experience this. I am in no way, shape or form downplaying how fortunate I am to have my children. I would take any pain given to me for them and would give birth 100 times over if I had to. But, I will say that childbirth is the most unnatural thing I have ever experienced in my life. Anyone who says it’s natural, is lying. The actual making of a baby is an amazing miracle. The baby coming out, is not. That is just insane and defies physics. We all know how large a baby is and how small the tunnel is. I remember people saying how the body opens up and the baby practically falls out and all is beautiful. Bullshit. You scream, you tear and it looks like a Sigourney Weaver Alien film.

I once dated a man that told me I had birthing hips. Needless to say we broke up right after that comment and unfortunately I found out years later that he was wrong. I don’t have a very high tolerance for pain anyway, I do admit this. I’m pretty sure I asked for an epidural on my wedding day in anticipation of having a child someday. On the day I was induced to have my daughter, the second a contraction hit I was begging for pain meds. I wasn’t even dilated enough to warrant an epidural but I think the look of hatred in my eyes frightened the nurse enough to bend those rules. She knew that she would forever be looking over her shoulder if she didn’t. Smart woman.

One thing I really never anticipated in this day of modern medicine was to be told that there is nothing they can do for your pain. Are you shitting me? This was told to me after I informed them that I was pretty sure someone had just stuck a baseball bat covered in nails up my ass. Fortunate for them I was rolling on an exercise ball bare assed at the time and couldn’t swing at them. Do you think that rolling on a ball thing really helps? Or do you think maybe it’s just a little something the doctors and nurses do to entertain themselves.   Yeah, put your huge pregnant belly on a ball that we’ve put on a table and roll around with your johnny flapping in the wind. Of course it works, why else would we tell you to do it?

The best part was all the random people that walked in my room to take a peak.   I swear pizza delivery guys, Boy Scout troops, Asian tourists with cameras, just about everyone was taking a peak at my bits. Come on in, obviously I have nothing to hide. The baby isn’t coming out so you are just looking at my crotch, why??? How about you show me yours so we’re even.

After three hours of pushing the doctor strolled in to tell me that there was no way a baby was going to fit out of there. Really? Huh. That’s funny, I could have told you that and I only have my degree in sarcasm. Leave it to a man, bastard. Despite all the tearing, swearing and stitches my beautiful baby did manage to sneak out and all was well. I have never had a C-section but if it were an option, I say go for that and if you are unable to get that option, do not and I repeat, do not opt for a mirror to watch all of this because it ain’t beautiful.

Sarcasm definition: the use of words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say especially in order to insult someone, to show irritation, or to be funny.

A friend, a very sarcastic friend whom I love, told me that sarcasm is considered the lowest form of humor by some. Oscar Wilde once said that “sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but the highest form of intelligence.” I truly believe this and feel that if there was an IQ test for sarcasm it would prove this hypothesis. Think of how incredibly intelligent one must be to effectively use this God given skill. The hidden gem with sarcasm is that highly intelligent “book smart” people may otherwise think you are unintelligent. Little do they know that you are spanking them on the ass without them having a clue. That makes me giggle.

What a gift sarcasm is. You are born with it, only the chosen few are trusted with such a powerful trait. A holy grail of sorts is handed to you as an infant (Insert image of light shining down onto infant as grail is handed to them). No matter how hard someone tries to learn it, it can’t be taught. No degree at Harvard will give you the ability to flat out insult someone with a smile on your face and have that person think you are serious. How fun is that? The recipients of our sarcasm are typically people who have rectal cranial inversion. It’s not our fault that they never pull their head out of their ass long enough to catch our sarcasm. They also believe they are being complimented so there is really no harm done.

Sarcasm is a wonderful coping mechanism that allows us to deal with all the crap in the world in a whole new light without offending people. Our mothers always told us to be nice to people and never to say anything mean. It’s much nicer to say “Wow, interesting idea, you should run with that” other than “The village called, they want their idiot back”.   When someone asks how they look, saying “That’s a really unique look you have today” is much less offensive than “You look like you got hit by a bag of nails doing 50 miles an hour”. Do you see where I’m going with this? I can’t give away too many sarcastic remarks because we don’t want those on the receiving end to start to catch on.

If you didn’t have the ability to utter that snide remark that sounds like a compliment while the corner of your mouth twitched up slightly where would we be? We would be forced to either insult people and tell them how we really feel or even worse, we might have to keep our feelings inside which would lead to us being ticking time bombs until we couldn’t take it anymore. At some point the inevitable would happen and we would start smacking the living snot out of people on a daily basis.  I can’t speak for anyone else but I just can’t be bothered messing up my clothes and God forbid my shoes with the snot or other fluids of these morons.

So yes, sarcasm is definitely a service that I offer.

As I woke up this morning I started thinking about life, my life in particular.  I always think of how fortunate I am to wake up, which makes me smile. Despite my current horrendous cold that has made my lungs almost useless, I still found myself smiling.  It’s what I do.  I smile.  Not that insane kind of smile like after having a lobotomy, just your plain old smile.  Appreciating life type of smile, and always trying to find the best in everything.

This of course led me to thinking about all those people that don’t smile.  Why is that?  You never know what someone is going through at that very moment but I am referring to the perpetual non-smilers.  Some people are shy, I get that but are the others physically incapable of smiling?  Maybe they were born with facial muscles that are just too tight to smile.  It’s possible, but I think they are basically just a-holes.  Instead of letting all those people of the world upset me it makes me realize how important it is that I smile at everyone.  A smile is one of the greatest gifts you can give anyone.  I feel almost like a superhero of sorts, I must save the world one smile at a time.

We all face very difficult struggles in our lives and that one act of kindness can mean everything to a person.  It takes no effort, except maybe for the asshats with tight facial muscles.   It’s quite contagious too.  It spreads faster than a cold sore on a hooker.  How many times have you found yourself lost in your own thoughts and a nice smile from someone leaves you smiling as well.  It’s beyond awesome how one small gesture can alter someone’s mood.  It’s a gift we have been given, a gift that should be used and not taken for granted.  Use it any time you are happy enough to smile.  You don’t have to be rich to pay it forward in life, you just have to be happy.

I admit I do tend to take it further by chatting incessantly with strangers but it makes me smile and often times, them as well.  That way I can add in laughter which also requires smiling.  I hope after reading this it made you smile which will make someone else smile.