This morning as I was trying to enjoy my coffee, my husband started giving me a hard time about my kitchen organizational skills and more specifically he dared to question my baking supply cabinet.   I warned him not to go there and very specifically described what I would do to him if he did.  It was all in good fun, no need to start watching Dateline to find out the whole story.   I even mentioned throwing my coffee cup at him but realized the cup along with its contents were just too precious to me.  He made a joking remark about how I “throw like a girl”.  You know what throw like a girl means in my world?  That I can hit you in the friggin head with my shoe while I’m stirring my red sauce without even blinking.

I grew up with a mother that also knew how to “throw like a girl”.  We used to throw tennis balls over our two family house for fun and I believe as a child in Boston, she may have actually made it over a building.  I used to challenge boys to throwing competitions quite a bit, need I say who won?  If that is throwing like a girl then it is true, not too many boys can do that.  Doing anything like a girl means you are crazy strong.  I don’t even need to bring up the whole giving birth thing.  Even Obama referred to the US Women’s Soccer team as badass.  Damn straight we are.

Unfortunately, “you throw like a girl” is a saying that has been around for years and carries a negative connotation with it.  Usually implied as an insult to a boy, if a boy can’t throw well he is said to “throw like a girl”.  The funny thing is only girls seem to know that’s a compliment.  Another perfect example of how we are the more intelligent sex.  I would think that when someone can’t throw well they should be said to “throw like a boy”.  Sorry, that isn’t politically correct and I apologize for offending the male population.  So ladies, just keep grinning every time you hear that saying, we know what it really means.

This morning I read a Facebook post my friend had written about how her daughter was told by her teacher that she couldn’t say “Bless You” when someone in class sneezed.  Are you kidding me?  When did I blink and an age old tradition to wish someone good health has become offensive.  If someone chose to wish me “Alhamdulillah” when I sneezed I would never take offense, as long as I knew it didn’t mean that I smelled like a goat.  I am not religious but always say bless you to someone, it’s just a courteous thing to say.  It’s not like I’m throwing holy water on someone after they sneeze.  However, I do feel like throwing something at people most of the time.

Why would it offend someone if they are told good wishes by someone of another culture?  If someone wished me Happy Hanukkah I would be happy they chose to share their tradition with me, not be offended.  Now during the holiday season I feel like a deer in headlights, I never know what to say to anyone.  I stand there like the village idiot and blurt out Happy Birthday.  I feel guilty that I celebrate Christmas and want to spread my holiday cheer.  I personally enjoy Christmas lights because they are sparkly and make me smile, they in no way remind me of Jesus.  Before you know it, town squares will be dark during the holiday season because it’s too offensive.

This world or should I say country, has really gone too far.  We are at a point where if one person takes offense to something it must be banned or you are politically incorrect and going to Hell.  Oh sorry, Hell is probably offensive to someone so let’s just say a burning hot dark place.  If burning, hot, or dark places offend someone then maybe we can say something else.  Oh forget it, we really shouldn’t speak anymore because more likely than not, we are offending someone.

I know my blog offends 98% of the people that read it but my thought is, if you don’t like it, don’t read it.  Now leave me alone while I go put on my confederate flag bikini, drink out of my neutered Starbucks red cup, and wrap my house in Christmas lights.

As a woman in my forties, I am finding that my trunk now contains a lot more junk than it used to and no matter what I do that trunk doesn’t get emptied.  I mean I am exercising every day with that glass of red wine and nothing, no change.  All the ads these days talk about loving the body you’re in, which I get but it would be nice to love the body that is four layers in instead.  I dress differently now, I don’t wear form fitting shirts like I used to and think of it as a public service of sorts.  People spend good money for their lunch, they don’t need to lose it.

I also respect that everyone should be allowed to wear what they want, when they want, and not be judged.  But come on people, there are just some things that shouldn’t be worn unless you have the right body for it.  Love your body, yes, but I don’t need to see all that love.  Leave some things to the imagination will you.  I would love to strut what God gave me in a half shirt but I won’t because I know I just shouldn’t.   Then we are right back to people losing their lunch.  If the cup runneth over….

One of my new loves are yoga pants.  Sigh.  What a wonderful creation these stretchy, forgiving pants are.  They are slimming, comfortable, and mine even have a little zip pocket near the waistband which I like to think is for candy.  How thoughtful of the creators to think of us like that.  I wish we could wear these to work, dinner, black tie events, etc.  We can’t have everything in life, for those events there are always housecoats.  Yoga pants, however, should be worn properly and in my opinion should even coming with an instruction label.  Not too tight and not with a short shirt unless you are pretty sure you can pull it off.  How many times have you seen someone and thought, don’t they own a mirror?

Speaking of mirrors.  If I am ever to create a product it would be a mirror that lights up with a red “X” across it when it sees an outfit that is just, no.  If you are that entrepreneurial type, please feel free to steal my idea and run with it.  You will be doing us all a public service.

My personality is an interesting one, unique you might say.  I have a warped sense of humor and get distracted easily by shiny objects.  I laugh at everything.  I often wonder if it might be misconstrued as insanity. This morning as I was talking to the birds in my yard, my daughter mentioned that if I am ever being questioned to determine my mental state, never say yes if asked if God speaks to me.  She was told this in school so it must be true.

Of course with my personality and sense of humor, I automatically think of how fun that would be to mess with people.  I can already see the looks on people’s faces when I interrupt a conversation to answer my cell phone because it’s Jesus.  “Excuse me, I need to take this, it’s Jesus”.  Just the thought of that made me burst into laughter which may in fact solidify my insanity.  I should probably speak to someone about that but can’t forget, don’t say I hear from God.

You could even have a special phone, a Batphone of sorts to really confuse people.  It can have an angelic ringtone, maybe a white sparkly case, only the best for the big guy.  Payphones are hard to come by but if you found one you could stand by it and whenever someone went to use it you could say you are waiting for a call from Jesus.  “Sorry, it’s important and it’s long distance”.  Then follow it up with telling them to respect that or you’ll put in a bad word for them.

Life is too short not to mess with people once and awhile.  That’s what Jesus told me anyway.

Did you ever stop to notice all the taboos there are associated with drinking?  They are kind of funny when you think about them. Alcohol sales average 6.5 billion dollars every year in the United States and it’s been 84 years since Prohibition ended but these stigmas still exist.  I wonder how close my guess actually is to the correct figures.  I’m too lazy to look them up so if I sound convincing, people will believe me.  Anyway, even though it is such a large part of our society, people are not only hesitant to have a drink when they want but even to admit when they want one.  We have all either heard or said “maybe I’ll have just one”.  Does anyone that utters that line ever only have just one because it’s not fooling anyone.  I guess it sounds more socially acceptable than to come right out and admit that they are going to drink until they can’t find their way home.

How about the ever popular and my personal favorite, “it’s 5:00 o’clock somewhere”.  Where did that time come from?  The end of the work day? When was it decided that after 5:00 o’clock it was socially acceptable to start drinking but before that magic hour you were a lush.  Who, other than myself, wants to admit that you have used a different time zone at some point in your life to justify the early start of drinking?  Well, it’s 5:00 o’clock in Russia so it must be alright for me.

Everyone wants a drink but no one wants to admit they want a drink.  When “I’ll have a drink if you are” is uttered it’s pretty obvious that you want a drink but are too afraid to come right out and say it.  When the person you’re with decides on iced tea you all of sudden pretend you never really wanted one, you just didn’t want them to have to drink alone. Come on, if George Thorogood can drink alone without being criticized then why can’t we.

These “rules” obviously exist in our society for a reason but our brain finds whatever loopholes it can to get around them. It probably is best that they exist, I mean can you imagine if they didn’t.  Moms would be pushing their children at the playground with one hand and a brown paper bag containing a 40 oz. in their other hand.  Employee manuals would have a section discussing the protocol of holding your co-worker’s hair while they vomit.  Teachers would be teaching cursive writing when they were really trying to teach printing.  Science classes would be making moonshine.  All Hell would break loose.  Let’s just keep up our waiting until 5:00 o’clock and only have just one.